Calvin's Testimony

In April of this year (2008), my husband went through an experience that has been part of a very emotional spring season that has affected us deeply. I wanted to post it here as a testimony. If you would like to hear him tell it live, please go to our church web site lindsborgcov.org and click on either Video or Audio right under the heading at the top of the page and select May 4, 2008 "Testimony by Calvin Carlson" from the list of entries.

My Testimony- By Calvin Carlson, with additional notes by Shelly Carlson
Psalms 139:13-16
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

When I was 16 I had a surgery to correct a problem I had with my heart called coarctation of the aorta. My aortic arch carrying blood away from my heart was wrapped with muscle fibers that constricted the vessel to the size of a pin head when it should have been the size of a pencil and that severely limited the blood flow to my legs. The doctors went in through my ribs, cut that section of the aorta out, pulled the two ends back together, sewed me up and sent me on my way. Years later they also found that one of my valves was a 2 flap instead of a 3 flap valve, which gave me what is called a heart murmur.
Fast forward 33 years later to what occurred in April of 2008.
On Wednesday, April 23, I started experiencing the feeling that I was blacking out for 2 or 3 seconds. There was no rhyme or reason to how often these little waves happened, and the severity varied greatly. I continued my day and decided I would discuss the issue that evening with Shelly. We talked it through and decided that I was probably dehydrated and drinking too much coffee and not enough water- I’ve had problems with caffeine before. So I drank a lot of water, slept thru the night and felt fine the next morning. Shelly took off with LC to a drama seminar and I took off to start chores.
Shelly: In my defense, Calvin called them dizzy spells and neglected to mention that they brought him down to his knees several times. We obviously underestimated the problem.
As I began working, I started having the episodes again. I decided it was probably time to get checked over. I finished chores and headed to Lindsborg to see Dr N. He was unavailable right away, so I had a sandwich with my brother M at Subway to pass a little time. I actually stopped at the church to finish the other half of my sandwich (I was still hungry) and was able to talk to the pastors for a few minutes. When I sat down in the lounge to eat, I had two more episodes in about 5 minutes, so I called to the doctor’s office to see if I could come right over.
Shelly: Still thinking it was no big deal, Calvin didn’t mention his problem to anyone that he saw that morning so it was a real shock when they heard he was in the hospital.
Dr. N and the nurses checked me over, heard my symptoms, and then called Dr. B, who was a classmate of mine in high school and the cardiologist on call. I was checked into the Lindsborg hospital with probable plans to head to Salina and have a pacemaker put in the next morning. After an EKG, one of the first things they did in Lindsborg was have me take a short walk to see how my heart reacted. My vital signs actually came up to more acceptable levels. When I laid back down in the hospital bed, I felt another mild blackout spell and immediately looked down at the hand held monitor they had given me. My heart rate had fallen to 28 beats per minute. I called for a nurse that was out in the hallway, thinking she might possibly be interested. She was! After a little flurry of activity, I was told I would definitely be heading to Salina for surgery in the morning. I was transferred to Salina by ambulance and placed in ICU for monitoring.
Shelly: I was at my seminar, unaware of the goings on at home. Calvin called me to let me know he was in the hospital and then called again after the nurses wide eyed look at the heart monitor and let me know that surgery was imminent. At that time, a valve replacement was also said to be a possibility. L and I began our trip home. As I spoke to kids, all of the children decided that they wanted to be there, because they reasoned if dad checked himself into a hospital it must be serious. We all made it home late that night... with L and I running out of gas on the interstate near Abilene and the adult video store! All was fine with help from Triple A, but it sure added to the adventure! The pastors had been with Calvin and J stayed till I got there and shared scripture before we left. Calvin in ICU... it was hard to believe when he was doing chores and loading cattle just that morning. We were relieved that it had been determined that it was only a pacemaker that was needed, a routine one hour surgery. I urged the pastors to head to their conference the next day as I had family to be with me and the surgery was no big deal.
At 5 a.m. my heart became very irregular and my blood pressure skyrocketed from a medication used to get the heart rate up. I thought my heart was going to explode until the nurses adjusted the dopamine level. This was very unnerving and I was thankful when the pastors stopped to visit at 6:00 on their way to a conference and read scripture and prayed. I settled back down to wait for the surgery.
The surgery was scheduled for 9 a.m., but I was bumped 3 times for other surgeries. This did 2 things. It allowed me to have a wonderful time with many family and friends for the next five and a half hours, and it also freed up an anesthesiologist (busy during the day with scheduled surgeries) that would be available in emergency for my surgery.
Shelly: I must say that this time was a real joy. I’m sure that the ICU unit was bouncing with all of the noise, but they encouraged us to continue! I had totally relaxed my mind with the news of this being routine, it’s done all the time, but I didn’t enjoy watching Calvin’s heart rate rise and fall on the heart monitor. I was eager to be through with the surgery.
At 2:30, I was taken down to where they would operate. I was able to talk and banter with the nurse that was to be at my head during the surgery. Her name was J and she was a wonderful Christian woman. As the surgeon, Dr. M, began to deaden my leg to put a temporary pacemaker in, I continued to talk with J about the Lord, my wonderful family, pastors and church I attend. As Dr. M continued to work, I could tell he was having some trouble, but thought that was typical. Later he told me that he can normally get the temporary pacemaker in place in about 60 seconds. The wire runs up to the heart through the groin like a heart cath procedure. He worked for 20-25 minutes and never did find the vein in the right leg. I don’t know the exact time line of the remaining events on the surgeon’s table, but here are the things I remember.
I felt two patches placed on my chest, and was told later that it was an external pacemaker because the temporary wasn’t in place yet. I remember the surgeon saying "this is going to hurt". I told him to "do what you have to do". I still assumed this was a typical pacemaker surgery, and didn’t realize the trouble they were having. As they began to shock me (I prefer to say "electrocute", it sounds a little more exciting), I could see my body bouncing on the table. It was extremely painful, but still assuming this was typical, I determined in my mind that I could handle it. I remember thinking that an older friend had gotten one of these, and I knew T was tough, but if he could handle it, surely I could somehow handle it. So I told myself, "come on, don’t be a wimp" (I also thought, don’t let C, a friend, find out and ruin my tough guy image. Several of us joke about that at church. Funny what a person thinks about during surgery!)
What really started to bother me was the heaviness on my chest and a choking sensation. Dr. B told me later that the sensation was probably from my own heart slowing to almost nothing and was the feeling of dying. I asked J, the nurse, to please take whatever was choking me off my throat. There was nothing there.
The doctor was able to get the temporary pacemaker in place on the left leg, and then moved up to my left shoulder where my permanent pacemaker was supposed to be. When he tried to feed the pacemaker leads or wires into my heart, they wouldn’t go where they were supposed to go. He has done over 500 pacemaker surgeries, but apparently said to the staff around him, "I have no idea where I’m at". There was more to my congenital defects than they had found when I was 16. I don’t understand it completely, but somehow the veins and arteries coming in and out of my heart on the left side are not normal. Probably a stubborn Swede trait.
God did "knit me together in my mother’s womb" as it says in Psalms 139:13, he just knitted a little differently in my case.
Shelly: The doctor is still unsure about the configuration of Calvin’s heart, but surmises that the two veins from his upper left and right extremities that are supposed to join and enter on the upper right of the heart do not join, but enter independently at two different places into the heart. How it works is uncertain, but they must still provide the same function, as Calvin has been physically fit and active for almost 50 years. Unfortunately, seeing the pacemaker wires twist and turn in unusual directions again forced the doctor to make on the spot decisions. He couldn’t tell where the wires were feeding into the heart and couldn’t implant them and feel certain they would be in the correct place for the pace maker. He abandoned the left shoulder pacemaker location and went to the right shoulder.
Dr. M was able to go in the right side which was more normal, and my pacemaker was finally in place. Since my heart slowed to a flutter and was being helped by the external pacemaker and then the temporary pacemaker, it was completely dependent on the new pacemaker- 100%.
Sometime during all of this, and this part I don’t remember, I began to fight to get off the table. I threw off the sterile drape that was over me and caused even more chaos for a while. I was told they had 6 people come to try and hold me down. My brother -in-law, B, said it was probably 6 little girls and my brother-in-law, B, said probably candy -stripers!
The last thing I remember about the surgery is the surgeon saying "start the drip". They said "give him some more", and then I was out. A pacemaker surgery is usually done with conscious sedation which provides the best physical conditions for the surgery, but I needed to be sedated so they could get me settled down and finish the surgery. The doctor doesn’t know what caused this for sure, but later speculated some crossing of medications that affected me in an unusual way. Unfortunately I had compromised the sterile environment of the surgery and forced the doctor to decide what to do about it- he didn’t want to go through the whole replacement of wires- too difficult- so he irrigated areas, used new equipment and drapes, etc and continued.
Now back to the rest of the story.
After the choking sensation I heard someone say "start the drip". They said it several times and then I moved to another picture in my mind.
I was on a surgery table and there was a man and a woman on either side of me (both were in scrubs and they were friends). I had been given the knowledge that they had both recently been through difficult divorces, although I did not know them. I flippantly thought that I should share the gospel with them, I knew there would be no rejection- because I was dying, so I might as well. I jokingly thought, "Pastor J would be proud of me". So I asked them if they knew Jesus. The man’s reaction immediately told me it was the wrong question to ask and the woman said "We’ve taken a different path". I thought I should leave them alone, as they weren’t ready to hear anymore right then.
The scene changed and I was watching a group of people trying to revive me. I was no longer on the surgical table, but my body was laying on the ground, on the edge of a large, flat area. I was watching this scene from the side, so I could observe the situation. I wasn’t able to see the faces of the group of people, but the girl closest to me had a pony tail like B (daughter) had when she was young, so I assumed they were my family. When they realized I was dead, they quit trying to revive me and began to walk away crying. I felt bad for them and I tried to tell them it would be okay, they would deal with it, but they weren’t paying attention to me. I tried to tell them that this was the next step for me, that I was going on, but I did not feel bad for me at all, whatsoever. I had what seemed like a very clear realization that life on earth was over for me. There was no fear, but a sense of joy and of what’s next.
The area I was in was not real colorful, but I saw things happening in the distance, like a carnival or a city skyline on the horizon of this flat area. The horizon was obviously lights and activity and I assumed that was where I was going, that it was heaven. There were many other people walking across the area toward the horizon- but I could not see their faces. I thought I was going to start walking with these people and then looked back at my dead body and I saw myself give a short laugh. Immediately the color came back to my face. Then the sad people who had been walking away turned around and said "he’s not dead yet". I laughed again, and then I watched myself begin to laugh uncontrollably.
The next picture I remember is going thru the air at a high rate of speed. I was riding on something and I had someone with me- sitting slightly to the right and the front of me. I remember colorful images rushing past me. I was praying almost frantically "Lord help me remember because people will be asking about what I saw", I so wanted to remember what I saw. I realized I was headed back to this life, and I opened my eyes and there was Shelly.
I immediately tried to tell Shelly everything I could recall. I also said to her in tears "I told them, I was going! I’m so sorry, but I didn’t want to come back". As I visited with Shelly, the song "Give me Jesus" and a picture of R and L’s ballet dance kept going thru my mind.
Shelly: In the waiting room we were unaware of all that was happening, but knew that things were not going as planned because the one hour surgery stretched to over two before someone came and told us that the wiring placement had been difficult but they would be finished soon. After more than another hour passed I knew things were still wrong and felt unsettled. When the doctor came out he sat down, exhausted, in a literal heap on a chair. He spent a half hour explaining the difficulties described above to me, my family, Calvin’s mom and brothers, and my sister. I had so expected an "it was difficult but all is well" explanation that I had to expend a lot of energy to focus and absorb the important things the doctor was telling us, it was a truckload of information. Dr. M clearly expressed that he had to make multiple decisions of adjustment in uncertain and chaotic circumstances to save Calvin’s life. He didn’t understand all the physical differences in Calvin’s heart and body or the reasons for his reactions and behavior during surgery. He was most concerned about the possibility of there having been a stroke and the risk of infection and could not give a prognosis for the long term outcome. Calvin would go for an EKG before being awakened and they did not know what would happen as they brought him out of the anesthesia. He kept saying that he had never seen anything like this before and that he was thankful that this was the last surgery of the day as he was completely spent.
After he left, I stood there, trying to absorb the reality of what the doctor said. My mind began moving many different directions, but I thought of the faithful example of others I know that had difficulties or had lost loved ones and I wanted to decide now to trust God to carry us through. I struggle with fear at times and I wanted to put down a stake of trust, Thy will be done. How would I deal with a difficult outcome? I wasn’t sure, but somehow I would, with God’s help and with my family and church family’s help, just like my friends are doing.
As we moved to the ICU waiting room, the nurse, J, was walking by and became wide eyed when she saw us. She said, "I do not know how this is going to turn out, if your husband is going to be okay, but I’m praying the blood of Jesus over him. He was sharing the Lord with us in the surgery room and telling us all about his wonderful wife, wonderful kids, church and pastors. Then he told us "I’m going, I’m going" and typically when patients tell us that, they seem to know and they do go, they die. I don’t know if he’s going to be okay, it’s very serious, but I’m going to check on him tomorrow because I want to know what he saw! He saw something and he was fighting to get off the table to get there, he was going somewhere. He’s strong! We had to hold him down! I’m exhausted and going to go home to rest, but I’m coming to check on him tomorrow and to hear his story and know what he saw!"
The nurse came and got me when Calvin was awakening from anesthesia. The EKG showed no sign of stroke and Calvin was becoming alert. We wept as he told me his story and begged me to help him remember every detail so he could tell others. He told me, "I told them I was going. I was gone, I died, and I’m so sorry, Shelly, but I didn’t want to come back. It was so wonderful, so peaceful, I was so joyful, this life felt over and it felt so complete. It was all so real and so final, I just can’t believe I’m back. (He said this repeatedly.) Now I’ll just have to live in this regular life." He told me the whole experience over several times and expanded some of the pictures he saw with descriptive details to help me understand. He was so emotional, crying, telling me he loved me, and was in disbelief that he was alive. Several times he said, "It was so real that now I feel that this life is a dream, I was so sure I was going to heaven."
J did come to ICU the next day and was very emotional when she saw how well Calvin was doing and as they shared their memories of the experience together. As Calvin shared his story, she listened, confirmed his memories in the surgical room and filled in some explanation about happenings and drug names. She said his color did return to his face, that he said he was going, that his heart flat lined or was asystole. She also said that others came in, including the anesthesiologist and her boyfriend- who is a respiratory therapist, to help save his life when Calvin was fighting and they had to hold him down. These people may have been free to come and help because the surgery had been bumped till later in the day and their scheduled surgery obligations were over. Yet another blessing amidst the difficulties.
The next morning Dr. M said he was ecstatic with the outcome so far. In his more than 500 pacemaker surgeries, this one was in the doctor’s top 3 for difficulty and after thinking a bit, probably was number one or two. He spent another half hour drawing a picture of what he thinks Calvin’s heart looks like, trying to explain what he thought happened, and stated he is still not sure all the ways Calvin’s body is different. There seems to be differences in electrical connections and his heart is regaining some function which doesn’t usually happen after the pacemaker begins functioning. During the surgery he had to make many decisions on the spot... looking back they were the correct ones, but at the time it was very difficult and exhausting. They will take a dye test soon to try to assess how he is configured. He explained that life is like a thin thread in tension and must be kept close to that tension to continue- there is very little give concerning the heart. We truly are fearfully and wonderfully made.
I’ve had many opportunities to share this story since the surgery. Some have pondered the meaning of the first picture I had of the two divorced people. God revealed the reason to me on Sunday night. I woke up about 1 a.m. and began thinking. At 1:30 I feel like God gave me a very clear explanation . God had supplied me with information about these people that I ignored. They were both in deep, emotional pain. I was prideful of this opportunity to throw a guilt inducing question at them. Obviously the Holy Spirit did not have them prepared for that type of question. The woman in the picture looked so sad because the other man was her friend and she knew that it was not a good question to ask at the time. He was in so much pain. She was the one that was being sensitive in the situation because she was concerned for her friend and she also didn’t want to offend me. It was if he was failing in a marriage and now I was making it look as if he was failing in spiritual things as well, it was like kicking him in the teeth when he was down. There was also absolutely no cost to me. I had my own agenda. I truly believe God wants us to join in what He’s doing. To watch for His agenda. I have to be listening to His voice, where he’s working, the information he gives me, and be prepared to share with others the hope that is in me. This was a very humbling thing for me to see and I think that God was wanting to teach me something for later. As a result, I now think this was the most important part of the whole experience.
I thank everyone for your prayers, gifts, cards, and support. I believe your prayers guided the surgeon’s head and hands, kept me from having a stroke or permanent heart damage, and put a song in my heart as I awoke.
I can’t tell you as many images of what I saw as I would like to, there were many more scenes that I saw during this time, the many colorful images that went by or more scenes- like steps- of my dying process as examples. But I can’t pull them up in my mind and God didn’t allow me to remember them. But if God did give me a glimpse of heaven, it was wonderful. I didn’t have fear of dying before, but now I certainly don’t have any fear. The Bible gives us such a terrific picture of heaven, and I’ve been given a cause to read about it again. My hope is that this experience will soften some one’s heart toward spiritual things, give me and give others an opportunity to share their faith in God with others, and that it may bring others hope and encouragement. If that is the case, it was all worth it.
Romans 8:38-39
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.




Give Me Jesus by Fernando Ortega
In the morning, when I rise, In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus
Give me Jesus, Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world, But give me Jesus
When I am alone, When I am alone
When I am alone, give me Jesus
Give me Jesus, Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world, But give me Jesus
When I come to die, When I come to die
When I come to die, give me Jesus
Give me Jesus, Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world, You can have all this world,
You can have all this world, But give me Jesus